No Holds Barred

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

ok randomness

any girl can look into your eyes a million times and still not ''once''see all things i do in just 1 glance

the sole architect of a crumbling tower of happiness

' I feel like a leaf swaying aimlessly in the wind, needing desperately to belong, but only to you

deja vu.

i felt that once.

i was the other woman once.
once and only once.
maybe thats why i felt this, once.
s--t happens, but it's only good.


...being in a relationship doesn't necessarily mean that there are always good times; each relationship has its ups and downs. yet like my boyfriend always's not how many fights you get into, it's how many times you're able to make up and move on.

girls tend to be ignorant and sit there and think that it's always the guys fault, not realizing that half the time, it's the girls fault. girls are probably the most ignorant and stubborn peoplei'll ever know...simply because as we each sit there be continued

I love walking in the rain because no1 knows im crying

It's nothing new for him
nights have been spent before, gifts have been exchanged before, families were met before, thoughts were shared before, words were said before, feelings were felt before, bodies have collided before...he'll f--ken live...he has let go of another before...
It's nothing new for him

I mite be, slightly..
but that's just bcuz
i dont know how to
say f--k YOU politely

while they dance she holds him close while he dreams of another..cant wait to let her go...same old story that everyone heart holding on, the other letting go

You know what makes letting go so hard?The minute you start letting go, they start catching on

so here i am, just listenin to our jams.thinkin back on how you became my man.through all the obstacles and situations we put ourself throughin the very end, it was all bout me and you.not saying any relationship is perfectjust gotta put some work into ityeah, most couples go through these heartache and painsbut somehow baby, with our bond we still remain.
you effect me so much, this is oh so true.
from the kisses, hugs, smiles and yes your mischeviousness too.cant really say how much you made me completebut as much time as i got, i show how your everything i need.from the sweet things u say, to the pain you make go awaynot even the words 'i love you' would complete what i have to say.

&& when shez not there... & you EVER miss her...
REMEMBER**--you were the reason she let go\

He is a man, nothing more nothing less

If you see me walking with someone else...Its not because I want to...Its because you weren't brave enough to walk beside meIf you see me smile...Its not because I forgot youIts because I got tired of crying over youIf you see me living again...Its not because I've moved onIts because I hate the fact that you can live without meSo if I fall in love with someone else...Its not because I wanted toIts because you weren't there to catch me


Do you ever get the feeling where you don't wanna talk to anyone and you don't wanna smile and you don't wanna fake being happy, but all at the same time, you really don't know what's exactly wrong, either? I get that most of the time. but keep in mind that it might be cold and stormy but it won't rain f.o.r.e.v.e.r.

"Love is defined by balanced exposure. You can't really be sure if love is what you feel if you're always together doing the same things. You'll know it's love if after being away from each other for some time, if after meeting different people, and if after pursuing your own passions in life, you still carry the torch for the same person. That's love. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Sometimes, you need to give the other person the time and the space to think things through, to finally put the gray areas of your relationship in black and white, to hear his/her thoughts more clearly, and of course, to miss you."
Read this quote somewhere, and found it to be very true
I miss my boyfriend like no other. He is the adult of the relationship, and always finds the wisdom to back down when an argument arises. I am grateful for this quality in him cuz i am stubborn at times, and i need him to show me areas where i can improve myself to become a better person. Thank you love, for always putting yourself in my shoes to better understand my viewpoints and reasons for my actions. I will make greater attempts to hold my temper and become a lady more suitable for you.
you make me real

she had tears in her eyes. despite a valiant effort to disguise them with a fleeting smile, the shimmer of lights in the distance revealed her most genuine emotions. The corners of her eyes were the Judas of her cheerful demeanor. You can always rely on the eyes."

you had your entire world standing in front of you,but you chose to look the other got lost somewhere along the never gave anything a chance,now you'll never know what could have been.maybe someday you'll regret it,but then maybe it will be the best decision you ever made.but one day somebody's gonna thank you for letting me go.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

entry...i dont know

I guess I'm being a bit of a brat. I'm just really annoyed with myself. I can't expect people to fix my's all on me. And you know what...that's fine. It should be that way. Last night's convo with my bestfriend made me realize how behind I am. I know different people have different situations...and I've had to deal with a lot more than she has so no wonder she is half way done university and I haven't even started yet. I guess in the back of my mind sits the fact of cousin who is the same age as me is going to be done next year...and once again...I haven't even started. I know people are going to ask mom questions and I don't have the heart to let her be put in an uncomfortable situation.
I feel bad that I can't even help her out... I don't know what their situation is but I know she needs help and I can't even help her out after 4 months. No more....better late than never. I hate the idea of them suffering...I think I'll always have that thing in me...the need to take care of my family. It's not even that I'm tired of waiting for my brother... somewhere down the road... I guess I grew maternal instincts for them.
I need to get my life back in my more waiting around wasting time. I've got to figure out a plan...someway...somehow.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

entry 6

its hard...
i guess its better we didnt meet... im not a part of his world anymore.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Entry #5

I feel so small. I guess that's how it makes me feel when people tell me how to live my life. I guess the reason why I dont like to talk to my friends is because they make me feel like I somehow owe them. Like they have a say. Mind you.... it's a little twisted. I realize last night that R cares about me... I know she does. She's had so many chances to get frustrated and walk away and she hasn't. She keeps reaching out and keeps trying. And her words last night "I don't want you to be in debt to anyone...I dont want you to owe anyone"....made me realize her intentions are good...and she cares about me....but the way she goes about it really belittles me. And the worst part about it is knowing that I'm sure I was talked about and once again my life is thrown on the front page news for the world to discuss and pint point over and I'm just not used to that considering I've kept my life to myself for the longest time.

Another thing that really hurts and disappoints me is how L is being through all of this. I have to say I expected more from her than of R...and R and her unconditional support and understanding regarding certain topics def. surprised me. I guess it's just that L and I really had so much between us... I've supported her through so much and kept so many of her secrets....and just knowing she can turn like that really upsets me. I thought she'd be the most understanding and supporting.... but I feel like its a constant attack in some form or another.

And I'm mad...mad because I feel like I can't be happy...and if I am happy... I have to keep it to a minimum... or I have to explain my happiness to people. I know I'm in a lot of debt but it doesn't mean I should be miserable..if that was the case I would have just stayed home.

Augh. Alot of random thoughts.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

entry 4

I think for the first time in a long time I actually smiled...and laughed...and feel...light. I've got a lot to deal with....people to fix things with....and its probably going to bring me right back down soon enough....but for right now....for however long this happiness lasts...I can smile and I feel 10 lbs lighter. I finally get it. I've been looking for so long to have someone take care of me... to love me...unconditionally. But what I failed to realize is that I'm that someone... only I can make myself happy the way I want... only I should ever be able to control how I feel. From now on, I don't want to know what he's doing....because I want to be able to fix myself and become independant....because only then will I be able to stand up for myself and do what's right for me. All my life I've been looking for someone to take care of me... that someone was there all along.

Friday, February 17, 2006

entry #3

he'd be happier with her... both of them.

Entry #2

I'm so annoyed! I don't know how long I can put up with this for. I guess I realized this morning that my heart just can't do it. I can't stay with him if he continues like this... now I know for sure. I realize that sometimes he doesn't see what he's doing as wrong...or that there's even a problem with it... but my heart just can't take it. He flirts wayy too much...and I just can't handle it. I am not an insecure person... I dont have a problem with light humour... but he's pushing the limit. Talking to girls about their bodies...asking for pics.... I know if one of my friends told me their bf was doing this Id say there was a huge problem why am I not saying anything? ... because I'm not in the position to right? I need to find a job... because I'm unhappy and im compromising my happiness for him. He'll be happier single anyhow... he's not ready to stop dating... I realize that. I'm sure he'll be ok in the matter of days and start sleeping with the world much as it hurts me to think about it... its a sad life...but its his life. So, with that... my heart is set... I deserve better...and ill get better.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

The Blue Print

I've had blogs before.... but they always had an audience therefore I was never able to write what was exactly on my mind. I had to constantly alter my thoughts so that it was audience acceptable....enough to vent but not reveal anything. But that isn't what I wanted to do... I wanted a place I could vent freely, here it is. It won't be insightful...and probably not even decorative...and thats exactly what I need and want.

Ok so currently... I haven't made much progress with the goals I had set for the year. I'm just so all over the place... but you know what....yeah shit has hit the fan... but you can't just sit there and mope over it.... life is about obstacles...not like that's anything new. I have to fix my that one day I can face my family and show them I meant business when I decided to leave. First and foremost, I've got to get a job... its so hard here but I haven't put in a proper effort therefore starting tonight that's going to be my main focus. I shall fix up my resume..spruce it up a notch and hopefully get the ball rolling. I have to deal with the loan first, cell phone bill, net bill, rent loans and the rest comes after. Apart from that... Ive got to just go back to my old maybe between working, interest classes during the weekend....I can somehow get back to my old self...which really means I'll start to feel some sort of control.

Apart from that I want to really focus my life to me, my education, my friends...and my boyfriend. The reason I put him in the end is because I just can't trust him... i'm always so skeptical of him since the incident and I know that's horrible. I dont want to have one of those relationships where I'm constantly worried he'll mess I figure... if I go out and live my people and become a stronger person...then the better for me. That's just really what I build up a strong foundation so that when or if he messes up... I'll be ok.

On top of that I feel so out of the loop in my bestfriends lives...and that's really hard for me. I'm used to always being in the know and being minutes away from the girls... but now I cant do any of my usual stuff. And it doesnt help that they aren't too fond of my boyfriend. I feel like everything that can go wrong is going wrong. I moved out so my family hates me, I've moved 5 hours away from my life of 18 years, I'm that much further away from my bestfriends who I used to see 5 times in a day!... I dont have a job... but a shit load of bills.... I need to re-start school for another 6 years..and I hate my boyfriends way with girls and I'm constantly suspicious of him. Spritually I need to get my life in track... I need to clear my heart and become a good person.

Soo dear blog...I give myself until the end of April to turn around my life. I want to be able to be in a position where I can stand my ground and not have to settle just because I don't have the means. I've always raved about being an independant woman....well now here's my chance... I wasn't one before...not even close.... but here's my chance to do the hard work and finally get the intended rewards.